AGoodDayIsOneWhereYouFindYourKeys

Losing your keys can be frustrating. This is especially true when you find them in a place that you thought you checked, or in my case, were in my computer backpack that I carry with me everywhere. Normally you would be moderately happy about it and you might share the funny story with your friends and laugh about how stupid you are for not checking better.

I find it sad in my case that it is something that I keep dwelling on and reminding myself of as something that will make me happy when stressed throughout the day. Example: "I just got a buttload of work today and a flat tire on my way to work today.....but hey at least i found my keys this morning."

That was not the scenario that I was greeted with today, first thing in the morning. I don't want to be specific in this, but I suppose that I should be. I was greeted this morning by my significant other taking more pain pills out of the bottle than I had approved. Most people would not see too much of an issue with that. What makes my case significant is that this person is addicted to pain medications...of which there is a valid reason to take and are doctor prescribed. Due to the abuse of them, I am now in control of them so that they can be administered without abuse and in the recommended dosage.

So when I say to take a certain number out of the bottle of which is hidden in a daily randomized location, I expect for that number to be taken out. The reason I didn't take them out of the bottle myself is because I was asleep and wanted to sleep longer. The bottle was in the room with me and I was listening to the pills being taken out. I noticed that there was not a lot of noise being made. That was because caution was being taken not to make noise so that I wouldn't be able to hear how times pills were taken out or how long it was taking. I had a really funny feeling that I was being duped.

We had a wonderful evening the night before. I thought progress was being made.We had long discussions, were happy with each other.I felt comfortable at home, with my mate. Which was progress since I dreaded going home that night. I tried being open about the situation, the pain and our relationship. I knew that I couldn't relax too much. I couldn't get too high. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice(or 947 million times) shame on me. 

So I got up. I said: "Show me how many pills you have in your hand." Low and behold, more were taken than I had said to take. What was the excuse(there is always an excuse)? "You won't be home before dinner....bla bla bla..." We had plans to go out to dinner at a place that is less than 10 minute from my job. I was going to go straight there after work...and I will be on time. I will have the pain medication too. It was yet another bogus excuse for doing the wrong thing. I am sick of hearing justifications. It has gotten to the point where the "sorry's and I love you's mean nothing. I just want to be left alone at that point. I feel betrayed. The sorry's I love you's and the justifications keep coming...so much so that I have to cover my head with my pillow, cover my ears and hum so I don't have to listen to the BS.

I get ready for work a few minutes later after the groveling stops. While cleaning out my backpack I find my keys of which have been missing for the better part of a week. Suddenly I have something to be happy about. That's sad to me. 

TheySayINeedToGoToRehab

THEY said no, no, no. Just because someone isn't strung out on a medication when you see them doesn't mean that they have a problem. At the very moment that you talk to that person, they may seem like the most level headed, nonsensical individual that you have ever seen. That doesn't mean that they don't have a problem and should be dismissed as if nothing is wrong.

WhyThisBlogIsSoPreachy

Why is this blog so preachy? The things I want to say that I cannot say in real life often have real world examples for other people to learn from. So rather than this being all about personal things similar to a diary, I want others to be able to read this and not get bored because its another public diary. So by saying what you can get out of this information can be perceived as preachy.

Cycles....SoManyThingsComeAroundAgainAndAgain

Funny how when you think you resolve something once and come to a mutual resolution, how you end up somehow having the same conversation as if you never had it before. What, that hasn't happened to you? Happens to me several times a month. For me particularly, this happens with medication related issues.

Time for a pharmacology lesson. Each medication has a half life, or amount of time it takes for the medication to be half as effective as it was when it was first taken. So if the half-life of a medication is 4 hours per-se, then if you take 10mg of something, 4 hours later there will be 5mg left in your blood stream. So if you are feeling like after 4 hours something is no longer effective, that might be partially true. Now after 4 hours if you take another 10mg dose, you have 15 mg in your body. The more you keep taking, the higher the amount in your system. So more is not better....eventually things don't have as much of a desired effect because there is so much of a substance in your system, that the difference is negligible. When it gets that bad, your body can go through withdrawals if you do not keep feeding your body with the substance it has become accustomed to having in it all  of the time.

Why on earth am I talking about this? Good question. I am talking about this because if you are in contact with a person who is in the position of taking something so much that they could go into withdrawal, the reasoning/information above does not compute. They don"t care if that's the truth or not, nor do they care about the effects that this can have on people in their life. It may even be the case that they have a valid reason for taking a substance...but when that substance that is taken beyond the recommended dose purposely to feel a reaction....that is abuse. That is a problem. The drug that is supposed to help, will end up hurting more than helping. Not only hurting the user, but the people around the user. Don't wait to get help. Do it as soon as you find out. If you don't, you are only prolonging the inevitable.

SayingPositiveThingsForOnce

It's good when can occasionally be caught off guard by things that go right. Like when you have a conversation where you think its just going to go horribly bad, and then it turns out the other person is totally on board. Even better, when the gets what you are saying without having to stretch yourself thin trying to explain things or when you don't have a single circular argument. The only problem is the thoughts that follow such a good thing....like asking yourself:
Why can't it always be like this?
Was that so hard, to just be open minded?
Isn't there any way I can make this happen more often?

The key is to make yourself not think those thoughts, or at least remind yourself that those thoughts are useless if you have already tried extensively to make this work in other ways...unless of course you are a human that has limitless energy and brainpower to expend on trying to make a conversation work like it should. If that is the case, then more power to you. For the majority of the people out there, the following reasoning applies:

You can't change anyone else. You can only change yourself. So all you can do is worry about yourself and make sure that YOU are doing the right thing. That way you cannot be accused of being a hypocrite and hopefully you will set the example and the other person will catch on....hopefully.

The reasoning/advice above will be a recurring theme in this blog. OK, so what happens if the reasoning above has you up against a wall and you just don't see an end in sight? Well, if I had the right answer I would be super awesome and famous. Good thing about humans is that we have characteristic that animals also have....the instinct of "Fight or Flight." You either stick it out and work through it(Fight) or leave your troubles behind and learn from our mistakes(Flight). In most cases, to "Fight" is the right answer. That is of course unless extreme emotional and/or physical abuse is involved. There are many other qualifiers and variables that contribute to each situation, so the reasoning above does not apply to everyone.

After saying all that I have, I bring this up because for a lot of people(including myself) it is hard to apply this reasoning and I am working on just worrying about myself and trying not to ask myself those questions.. I still need to vent about it though. I hate having to do it all the time. It gets old after a while... but in a marriage, vows are vows. I meant them. I better have a good reason to back out. It's cliche, but the old adage applies for me here: It could be worse.

I started this with positive things to say but I am not feeling as positive now. Just neutral. I can live with neutral.

SayingStuffAboutMoney

Some people will never understand the concept of money. There are those in life that never have the time to sit down and talk about it. When it does get talked about, you get the feeling that you are wasting their time or as if they have things that are WAY more important that need to get done. It's never the right time to talk about money...especially when they are the problem.

Why I Started This

I started this because I don't want to be another one of those people that airs all of their personal stuff out on Facebook. I want to be able to talk and say my peace without anyone judging me(at least not anyone that knows me). I thought this would be an appropriate outlet.

I was going to post something like this out on Facebook: "Sometimes it comes to a point where there is no time for emotions or discussions. You must simply delete your feelings" Rather than delete my feelings, I choose to put them here, where I can reflect on them. I have been to a Psychologist.....they cost money. They don't really help as much as I think they should and you spend most of the time trying to get all of the things on your mind, out in the open. With as much as I have going on, I need an hour just to get through all the stuff I want to talk about and say. I just need to say the things that I want to say without having to burden a family member or a friend. Some say god is the answer. Tell your thoughts and feelings to god. Well that's fine and dandy, I WILL do that, but I need to be able to look back at my progress and see how far I've come.....or digressed.

As for the format....I'm not sure. I will probably post multiple times in one day, and then have maybe a week where I say nothing. I am going to keep this anonymous. Names will be replaced with fake ones, and if someone other than myself decides to read this....I don't know. It will probably be a waste of your time. I have had thoughts about making some of the things in my life a book, or something else. I know that if prepared properly the events could really be quite interesting to look over. Perhaps this blog will prompt me to do so.

I hope that I have the motivation to put my thoughts here regularly. I often start things and have good intentions of keeping up with them, but then I forget...and things take my attention away. Anywho, welcome......and here goes nothing.....